Back to Chemo

I'm so happy I was able to remember my password to get back to this blog. It was so simple and I had thought it more complicated so didn't think of the obvious. Oh well.

I resumed chemo last Wednesday, July 2, 2008. A lymph node in the right axillary area had grown about 1 mm. Not much, but need to get a jump start on it before it gets worse. I've cried a few tears over this because I thought life was getting back to "normal" which just goes to reinforce that my life doesn't know the meaning of normal. Normal is being hit with whatever I don't expect and trying to accept it and deal with it through the only means I can--the strength and grace and joy of the Lord.

One would think I might just give up and let the cancer take its course, but about the time I have those thoughts, I feel the tug of a grandchild over a phone call beckoning me back to normal thinking. What is normal? Normal today is not making a commitment to do anything that in the remotest way possible I might not be able to fulfil. That is frustrating to me as I have always been a doer and helper, jumping in with all four hands when I should only jump in with the two God gave me and not get my feet mixed up in the mess I created for myself. That's being forced upon me now. I guess I didn't learn that lesson very well over my 59 years so I'm forced to learn it now.

I don't know why I feel like an outsider to the chemo group. What a foolish feeling. Ever since I stopped last July for surgery and unexpectedly didn't have to go back, I have felt that way. The patients don't see me that way. The silly things I bring upon myself. What a waste of brain cells.

I need to go and get ready for my day at the hospital. Maybe now there will be more later.

Hugs...